I do not remember what set it off. It was just another normal day. Wake up, and drown everything out with music - all the time, except when I'm studying. A rhythm i've learned to dance to perfectly for over two years. I was moving through my day comfortably within the nest I made for myself, and that was when it hit me.
Who am I, when the noise grains dissolve?
The question should not have disturbed me as much as it did. I know my nest very well.
But the moment it appeared, it brought others with it. I know my nest well, but is it only because I've shut my eyes to the rest of it? Am I burying all my mirrors?
The break I took was hard. It was only a walk downstairs to throw away my trash. Another comfortable routine. But it seemed too strange now that I've boxed my earbuds away. I felt uncomfortable with how new the silence seemed to me. How unfamiliar my own thoughts were, when there was no noise to wash them down. How distressed a certain dormitory staff member was that day. How the colors popped out more and the humans and animals seemed more real when I was not hiding inside myself, from myself and from the world.
It was unnerving to see how I've pulled a heavy blanket over my thoughts for two years straight. I mourned the branches I never let myself grow.
Who am I, when I'm not constantly silencing myself? I do not know. But the childlike wonder I feel at the idea of meeting myself - maybe its worth it. Maybe that's more than enough, for now.